This week, I’d like to devote my column to one corporation that is doing more for the advancement of mankind than any other company in American history. I am speaking, of course, about La-Z-Boy Inc. of Monroe, Michigan, a company which will almost certainly win a Nobel prize this year.

According to the Reuters News Service, La-Z-Boy is introducing a new product called the “Oasis”, which is the world’s first reclining chair with a built-in electric six-pack cooler. A cup holder is also standard equipment.

The chair also sports a telephone (can you say ‘Chinese delivery’?) and a 10-motor massage and heat system. The Oasis costs $899, which might seem a little pricey to some people (such as my wife and many other non-guys). However, it’s important to keep in mind that the Oasis can replace much of the furniture in your house. This multi-function device can easily take the place of all your current chairs, telephones, refrigerators, and various massaging and heating household appliances.

And lets not forget the very real medical benefits to having a chair that not only massages, but also keeps beer cold. I don’t actually know what these benefits would be, but if anyone can come up with some, lets not forget them, OK? In fact, lets send a note to my wife listing them.

If you’d like to see a picture of this technological marvel, visit the La-Z-Boy web site, www.la-z-boy.com. I can tell you that it looks quite a bit different than my own recliner, which by the way cannot keep even a single beverage cold.

For example, the Oasis is covered in beautiful black leather. On the other hand, my recliner (or “that chair” as my wife calls it) features genuine ‘leather-like’ upholstery, which, thanks to some mysterious industrial process involving petroleum and numerous patents, looks exactly like something other than leather. Technically, I shouldn’t even be calling it a recliner, since its reclining days seem to be over. Any time I try to recline, large jagged metal parts drop off. Many more parts have fallen off of this chair than could possibly have been used to build it. Someone should probably apply for a government grant to study this strange phenomenon.

The only “option” on my recliner is a pocket to stick magazines in. I don’t use it for that, though, because my children are convinced this pocket is the perfect place to keep half-eaten sandwiches and handfuls of cheese-curls. I can’t really argue the point, but it does tend to leave the TV Guide smelling a bit funky.

It may be time to put my old recliner out to pasture, which is why I am so thrilled that the Oasis is now on the market. There is now just the small matter of convincing Mrs. Modern Guy that $899 is a perfectly reasonable price for a chair.

OK, so maybe the old chair is going to be around for awhile. Oh well, a guy can dream.

In closing, because of the great deal of journalistic integrity I’d like you to think I have, I’m compelled to make the following legal-type disclaimer: I did not receive any compensation from the people at La-Z-Boy for saying wonderful things about their new chair, which could probably be shipped to my house with very little difficulty (my address is available by email).

by Joe Shockley,

September 10, 1999