When it comes to travel, people have some ridiculous ideas about safety. For example, many people are afraid to fly on airplanes, even though statistics have shown that if you’re crazy enough to fly, airplanes are one of the 7 or 8 safest ways to do it. If you want to fly somewhere, you should definitely consider taking an airplane. Unless you want to bring small noisy children along, in which case I would recommend a dirigible, or some other mode of transportation I don’t ever use.

Of course, comforting statistics about how safe it is to fly are no help if you happen to be one of the many people with a very real fear of flying (the medical term for this phobia is: “big wussy coward”). One possible way to deal with such a fear is to not fly. This is the smart thing to do, since it also minimizes the chance of dying in a fiery explosion after plummeting 30,000 feet because a lovesick Canadian goose tried to mate with one of the engines on your aircraft. This exact thing happens at least twice a day, although the FAA is usually able to cover it up.

Unfortunately, flying is sometimes unavoidable, especially if you spend a lot of time on airplanes. If the mere thought of flying scares the honey right off your roasted nuts but you have to do it anyway, just try not to think about the fact that you’re being held up by “air”, which under normal circumstances cannot even hold up a piece of lint. If you don’t believe me, try this experiment: climb onto your roof and drop a medium-sized piece of lint (you will find some in your bellybutton). Does the lint fall to the ground? Do your neighbors call the police? Do your gutters need a good cleaning? I think you can see my point.

One very good way to take your mind off of flying is known as the AAPD, or “alcohol and prescription drugs” method. At least, that’s the method used by Mrs. Carmel Beer of Stratton-on-the-Fosse, Somerset (pronounced: “somewhere in England, I think”), who recently starred in an Associated Press story.

According to the Associated Press, who hardly ever make stuff up, Mrs. Beer was returning home from a failed attempt to reconcile with her estranged husband, and she was also on prescription drugs. Terrified of flying, Mrs. Beer started drinking before getting onto a British Airways plane bound from Montreal to London. When the plane’s crew refused to serve her more alcohol, she started drinking from a bottle of whiskey she had brought along. She also swore at the crew, threw red wine on a steward, and ripped off his stylish clip-on tie.

After the plane landed, law enforcement officers, alerted by the pilot, tried to arrest Mrs. Beer. She began shouting and swearing at the constables when they approached her. She also kicked one of them in a very sensitive area (London) and bent his thumb back. The injured constable is undergoing physical therapy for the injury to his thumb, and has not yet returned to work. Sadly, he may never regain enough use of his thumb to realize his dream of hitchhiking across Europe.

Just what is the point of this wholly true story (except for that last hitchhiking sentence, which I made up in order to add a little poignant drama, and about twenty more words, to this column)? Well, it just goes to show how effective the “alcohol and prescription drugs” method of dealing with phobias can be. Mrs. Beer, who was sentenced to two years in prison for assaulting the constable, was able to courageously put aside her fear of flying and focus on the task at hand, abusing and terrorizing her fellow passengers and the flight crew. It’s always inspirational when someone overcomes their fears.

Let’s just hope Mrs. Beer isn’t claustrophobic. Those jail cells are pretty small, and the “alcohol and prescription drugs” therapy is generally discouraged in prison

by Joe Shockley, August 31, 1999