I have a new computer! It came with 4 megabytes of memory, a 320×240 pixel monochrome screen, a tiny speaker, and no keyboard. Impressed yet?

Oh yeah, it fits in my pocket. It’s one of those new little hand-held computers. A Phillips Nino, to be exact. It even runs Windows, just like a big computer except it doesn’t crash (much).

My wife thought it was really neat until she found out that it cost several hundred dollars. At that point I got “the look”. She then asked me what exactly I could do with my new computer.

Why, you can do lots with this powerful little computer! Play solitaire! Keep addresses! And phone numbers! Write notes! Um…carry it around and show it to other geeks! It has a shiny case! Did I mention you can play solitaire?!

My wife suggested that I would have gotten the same basic functionality from a deck of cards and a Big Chief tablet. I pointed out that a Big Chief tablet would not fit in my pocket. Also, a deck of cards does not, in fact, have a shiny case. That’s when I got “the sigh”.

Yikes. “The look” and “the sigh” in one conversation. This was not going well.

We eventually arrived at a compromise wherein I got to keep my computer, and she got a set of Tae Bo tapes (does every woman in America now own these?), a pair of diamond earrings, and 5 pieces of crystal to be named at a later date. This has turned out to be a very expensive computer. I would definitely not recommend buying a used car from my wife. Not unless you have some expensive jewelry you can throw in.

It’s a sickness with me. I think I need a twelve-step program (my name is Joe, and I’m a technoholic). I just love buying anything computer related. I was very excited when the CD-ROM on my kids’ computer recently broke down. Not only did I get to buy computer hardware, but I also got to take a computer apart and mess around inside of it (the feeling is starting to return to my arm – electricity is not always your friend).

I’ve even been thinking of setting up a “home network”, even though our family’s two computers are only about ten feet apart, and one of them is used primarily for playing the game “Putt-Putt Saves The Zoo”. I’m not sure what my kids use their computer for.

And, of course, my hand-held computer is already totally obsolete. The newer hand-held computers (which came out as soon as the manufacturers were notified that I had placed my order) have 8 times as much memory and color screens. I really want one! No, what I mean to say is, there really isn’t a compelling reason to acquire such a device, as the one I have is adequate for my current and future needs (How was that, dear? Do I have to keep sleeping on the sofa?).

Besides, if I buy one more shiny electronic device, my wife will probably leave me for 7 time World Martial Arts Champion and Tae Bo inventor Billy Blanks.

I bet he doesn’t have a computer that fits in his pocket.

by Joe Shockley, August 23, 1999