My employers recently decided it was time for me to “maximize my potential”. I’m not sure why they waited 10 years to spring this on me. My potential had been running along at a respectable 13% for some time.

As it turns out, pretty much everyone’s potential was in desperate need of being maximized. Which is why they invited some seminar guy to come in and motivate the crap out of all us under-achieving slackers.

I really thought “Intermediate Fly-Tying for One-Armed Bald Men” was an unusual name for a motivational seminar, but it turns out I was just in the wrong auditorium. I finally made it to the “Maximizing Your Potential” seminar, where Tony Robbins was not motivating anyone at all. Instead, they had some guy who looked just like Tony Robbins, only shorter and with smaller teeth, less hair, and a totally different name (Bob something?). I am assuming he was the “economy model” motivational speaker.

“Bob” was definitely operating at Maximum Potential. In fact, he was oozing potential all over the place. You couldn’t walk three feet without stepping in a big disgusting puddle of Bob’s potential.

What Bob did to help us Maximize our own Potential was play songs on a piano and tell humorous anecdotes about Babe “The Babe” Ruth, Winston “The Winston” Churchill, and many other highly regarded dead people. Bob also told us about some really old farmer who ran all the way across Australia (Bob didn’t say, but I assume the poor old guy was being chased by rabid dingos).

Bob specifically had a lot to say about Babe “The Babe” Ruth. It seems Babe “The Babe” Ruth hardly ever actually hit the ball. In fact, Bob gave us the distinct impression that Babe “The Babe” Ruth never ever hit a ball, except perhaps a couple of times by accident. Which is why he is remembered today as such a great ball player. Or something like that.

By this time, I was pretty sure Bob was “a few seminars shy of a fully booked tour”, if you catch my drift. What really clinched it for me was when Bob asked us to raise our hands if we thought we could finish the Iron Man triathlon, which involves swimming to Hawaii, running across hot lava in bare feet, and riding a bicycle back to the mainland (or something along those lines).

Being a relatively sane audience, no one raised their hand. (in this context, “sane” is defined as “lazy” and “out of shape”) Bob apparently thought that was the wrong answer. He asked us again, and we all got the impression that armed men with names like Vinny “Tire Iron” Tortelini were waiting just outside to “lean on us” if we didn’t start cooperating.

Boy was Bob thrilled when he saw everyone’s hands go up! I thought he would explode! Or at least I hoped he would! Just imagine it! Big motivated glops of Bob’s potential flying everywhere! It would have almost made up for missing the fly-tying seminar.

All kidding aside, I can honestly say Bob made a deep and lasting impression on me. Or was his name Tom?

by Joe Shockley, August 21, 1999