OK, so now I have tingly hair. It’s my new shampoo. My new “herbal” shampoo. It’s got “tea tree oil” in it. Along with “Peppermint Oil”, “Lavender Oil”, “White Ginger Extract”, “Chamomile Extract”, “Kelp Extract”, “Wheat Germ Oil” and lots of other oils and extracts that belong in a girly cup of herbal tea instead of a Modern Guy’s shampoo. According to the bottle, using this shampoo is “A refreshing experience”.

Obviously, I did not purchase the shampoo in question. I prefer shampooing to be a “cleansing” experience rather than a “refreshing” experience. In my opinion, a refreshing experience should involve a frosted mug.

I have my wife to thank for my new shampoo. She thought I would really benefit from this new and exciting hair-care product, which has been specially formulated to cost eight dollars and fifty cents per bottle. By the way, the longest hair on my head is only about a half inch long (not counting nasal hair, which I just don’t shampoo as often as I should).

I don’t know what was wrong with my old shampoo, which cost probably a buck a gallon, and actually smelled like shampoo, of all things.

Although it didn’t make my hair tingle or anything, it did lather up OK, making me believe it was doing its job. Clearly, I was a fool.

I’m just waitng for someone at work to notice how minty and herbal my hair smells and give me a cruel nickname, like “Peppermint Patti”, or possibly “Tea Tree Oil Head”.

At least my new shampoo wasn’t tested on animals. I know this is true because right on the bottle it says: “TESTED BY HAIRSTYLISTS, NOT ON ANIMALS”. Although they don’t really say, I assume the actual testing was done on humans, or possibly vegetables (the vegetable-rights movement hasn’t really taken off). If they had tested it on animals, they might have discovered that it drives them insane. Or at least, that’s the effect it has on our cat, Jazz. It seems that Jazz has a bizarre thing for peppermint, which she must be confusing with catnip. So now, she obsessively bites my hair when I’m asleep. Trust me, having a cat gnaw on your follicles while you attempt to sleep is no picnic.

In fact, I’m starting to think this whole thing was a clever plot by my wife to get the cat to stay away from her while she sleeps soundly. Jazz normally sleeps on her pillow with her, and she purrs at approximately the same decibel level as a really large chain saw (the cat, not my wife). So my wife is still using her suspiciously non-herbal shampoo, while she is baiting my hair with the equivalent of kitty crack.

I could secretly start using her shampoo, but this might be a violation of federal law, since the bottle clearly states that it is for use ONLY on “permed or color-treated hair”. I’m not allowed to tell you which type of hair my wife has, but I don’t think I’ll be giving away too much if I say that it sure as heck isn’t “permed”.

This whole situation has been very upsetting. I think I’ll go have a nice refreshing cup of herbal shampoo. And maybe I’ll shave my head.

by Joe Shockley (first posted August 8, 1999 )