Even a Modern Guy gets annoyed by the modern world sometimes. At the moment, I’m really annoyed by how some people (otherwise known as “sheep”) react to the modern world.

Here is what has me riled enough to actually use the word “riled” in a sentence: The New York Senate just approved a law making it the first state in the nation to ban drivers from using handheld cell phones.

What follows is my calm and rational analysis of this news item.

What kind of moron can’t drive and talk at the same time? Seriously? Have these idiots ever had passengers in their cars? Do they talk to their passengers? Do they crash because of it? Am I using way too many question marks here? I don’t think I could stop if I wanted too????

“It’s not the talking that causes accidents, it’s all that button pushing”, is what you might be saying to me right now, in that soothing voice you usually reserve for upset children and people ready to jump off a ledge. Even if this is true, the New York law only bans so-called “handheld” phones. Most hands-free phones still require manual dialing and answering. In other words, button pushing.

Voice recognition for dialing and answering is still rare on cell phones, and doesn’t always work well (“I said call GRANDMA, you stupid bleeping phone! Why won’t you just dial!”). But using any “hands-free” phone while driving must be perfectly safe, since it will still be legal. At least, that’s what the sheep will all think.

In May of this year, the Automobile Association of America released a study reporting that accidents were more likely to be caused by a driver changing a radio station, quieting a noisy child, adjusting the air conditioning, or eating and drinking than using a cell phone. Smoking was only slightly less likely to cause an accident than talking on a cell phone. Should we ban radios, eating, children, smoking and air conditioning in cars? Quick, call your legislators before it’s too late!

I propose a compromise law: Anyone who believes they are unable to drive and talk at the same time will have their licenses permanently revoked. These people shouldn’t be on the road. A test could involve walking and chewing gum at the same time.

This boils down to techno-phobia. People are afraid of anything new, especially if it has buttons. I see women swerving while applying makeup, 16-year-old kids driving with the music turned up so loud there’s no possible way they could hear a horn or siren, and even guys reading the sports page while driving. Where are the laws to protect us from these idiots? Why pick on the cell phone idiots?

Unfortunately, passing a law makes us feel like we’ve solved a problem. Meanwhile careless drivers will keep doing dumb things while driving.

Getting accurate statistics on why people have accidents is difficult because people are usually smart enough to lie about what they were doing when the accident occurred. Very few people are going to admit that just prior to impact they were steering with their feet while applying makeup, changing the radio station, and trying to keep their fancy new mail-order underpants from riding up so much.

I consider myself a good driver, not to mention an incredible lover. But I have had at least ten accidents while singing along to “Born To Be Wild” on the radio. Ok, not really, but I see how it could happen. And don’t get me started on “Bat Out of Hell” by Meatloaf.

UPDATE!

In response to this column, I received an email from Juliette, who is an actual professional journalist, and who also calls me “Mr. Shockley”.  She was kind enough to send me some additional information regarding the New York cell phone law, and the county ordinances it stemmed from:

Mr. Shockley,

I recently have become a fan of your column. But I felt the need to respond to your most recent column about the cell phone ban. As a journalist who just recently left New York, I feel there is something you should know about this law that may or may not have been clear when you wrote your column. Before I continue, let me say that I lived in Syosset, a hamlet in Long Island’s Nassau County, which recently became the third county to pass a ban on hand-held cell phones. Nassau’s neighbor, Suffolk County, was the first to do so. These countywide bans were very specific to address exactly what you focused on in your column: It’s not the talking but the dialing of cell phones (just as it is adjusting your radio, etc.) that is dangerous. Therefore, the law specifies that a motorist must pull over to the side of the road in order to dial or answer the phone, as well as end the call and any other motion that requires the driver to divert his or her attention from the road. And while the state law does not specifically address the issue of dialing while driving, it is from the Nassau and Suffolk county bans that this law came. Furthermore, I think it’s important to mention that I do not support the ban and think anyone who can’t simultaneously dial and drive must be somehow handicapped. Regardless, I thought I would mention the underlying distinction in the laws that really make a difference, because as I’m sure you know, the state law already is under criticism for being inapplicable in real life.

Regards,
Juliette

by Joe Shockley, June 25, 2001