My dad recently underwent a short hospital stay and a scary “heart catheterization” procedure to find out if his ticker was all clogged up. They threaded a wire through his groin up into his heart just to look around a bit. Less than a week later, he was frying a whole turkey in his new outdoor deep-fryer. We are that kind of a family.

Of course, heart disease is a very serious subject. Much to our family’s relief, though, the turkey tasted really good. Oh yeah, dad’s heart turned out to be fine, too. False alarm. Did I mention how moist that turkey was?

Like Butter!

Frying whole turkeys out on the back porch is the latest thing here in the heartland. It’s one of those quaint down-home trends that usually involve an inexpensive brand of beer. I think we were drinking Old Dishwater Light ™. It’s all a bit blurry.

But the point is, we definitely like our fried food around here. There used to be a fast food chicken place in my hometown that offered special deep fried hamburgers. I had the pleasure of working there for a while, so I know the secret to how they are made. To prove how much you all mean to me, I’m going to share that secret with you.

Just take one ordinary frozen hamburger patty. Dip it in water and then in flour. Now, drop it into the deep fat fryer and cook until golden brown (or river-mud brown, depending on how fresh the grease was).

These burgers were actually really good. It wasn’t on the menu, but I always made myself a double burger. That’s right, two deep-fried patties, lots of mustard and ketchup, and plenty of pickles. Hey, you don’t get a figure like mine eating steamed vegetables.

The one other thing I learned during my employment at the chicken joint was to NEVER drain the grease out of a deep fat fryer without turning the burner off first. The result is a surprisingly large fire that’s very hard to put out. It’s not a mistake a person is likely to repeat. Or so you would think. They let me go after the third or fourth time. Hey, my dad said I couldn’t quit – he never mentioned anything about getting fired.

But back to the topic, which is, uh…oh yeah, “fried foods”. On a recent business trip to Chicago, we were out sightseeing and ended up at the “Billy Goat Tavern “, the restaurant that inspired the famous Saturday Night Live “cheeseburger cheeseburger” skit. We went in to eat, but some members of my party felt the place was a bit too greasy.

Who were these people!? Of course it was greasy! I was out-voted, and we ended up eating at the Rainforest Café.

Thank goodness for that big bag of pork rinds back at the hotel.

And thank goodness my dad is ok. Seriously. Maybe an occasional serving of steamed vegetables wouldn’t be so bad.

by Joe Shockley, February 1, 2001