OK, lets say you’re walking down the street minding your own business, and all of a sudden someone shoots you in a very sensitive area (Dearborn, Michigan). Well, it’s your lucky day…as long as you end up at Dearborn’s Oakwood Hospital, which has just started guaranteeing service in 30 minutes or less.

According to a story on the USA Today web site, if Oakwood Hospital’s customers don’t see a doctor within that amount of time, they will get an apology and free movie passes. The guarantee will even be posted on two billboards and mailed to 60,000 Dearborn-area residents.

I expect that many residents will self-inflict serious wounds in an effort to get free movie tickets: “Hey Tina, how about a movie? I’m broke, but I could cut off a toe or something.”

The free movie tickets seem like a great idea, although I’m not sure which is more painful: A gunshot wound, or having to sit through “The Nutty Professor II”. As long as we’re just talking flesh wound, I’ll take the gunshot every time. Anyway, it’s great to see the medical establishment taking responsibility in this way. Even in those tragic instances where slow emergency room service results in the death of a loved one, at least the next of kin won’t have to go home empty handed. “Sure, our loved one is dead”, people will probably say, “but at least we can catch a matinee!” In cases where people actually die, maybe the hospital could throw in a coupon for some free popcorn, as an added bonus.

You may remember that a few years ago a certain pizza chain had to stop guaranteeing delivery in thirty minutes or less. This was necessary because the delivery people were driving recklessly and causing accidents. Now lets think about this a little bit. It’s much too dangerous for pizza delivery drivers to get into a hurry, BUT for the doctor trying to sew your arm back on, no problem. I can see it now: “We had a little trouble with the operation, Mrs. Smith. But on the plus side, you should be able to scratch all those hard-to-reach places on your back now.”

I’m sure this kind of thing will catch on in other areas of society. Lets say your home is being broken into and you call the police. If they don’t show up in thirty minutes or less, they could maybe give you a coupon to Pottery Barn so you can replace some of the stolen furniture. Or what if the fire department takes too long to get to your house? Maybe they could give you a new smoke detector (for your new house), or possibly one of those cute little Dalmatian puppies.

I want to do my part (in other words, as little as possible), so here’s the Modern Guy guarantee: If it ever takes you longer than thirty minutes to read my column, the next one is absolutely free. Maybe I’ll even throw in an emergency room visit at no extra cost.

by Joe Shockley, Aug 19, 2000