I have a very bad feeling. My wife says it’s probably just gas, but I’m thinking it has to do with some of the disturbing actual news items I’ve been coming across lately.

For example, according to a Reuters news story, Jose Rojas Mayarita (pronounced “Bob”), age 39, got a big surprise after he hooked a 10-foot marlin off the coast of Mexico. The giant swordfish jumped into the fisherman’s boat and stabbed the man. The marlin’s spear went completely through the fisherman’s abdomen. The fisherman was left drifting in his boat for 2 days until he was finally rescued.

No charges were filed against the marlin, who is claiming that the attack was made in self defense. The marlin is also claiming that humans don’t feel pain the same way fish do.

In a possibly related incident, left-wing commie pinko squirrels in Oshkosh, Wisconsin have been stealing American flags from veteran’s graves, according to a recent article in USA Today. The squirrels have been stockpiling the flags in a tree stump.

No one has commented on just what the squirrels were planning, but I think it’s safe to assume that when small woodland creatures begin stockpiling stolen American flags in a tree stump, they are up to no good.

This could all be a huge coincidence, but if anyone sees a squirrel and a marlin whispering together, or possibly looking over blueprints of the Pentagon, please notify the authorities immediately. And if they try to take your flag, don’t be a hero. Just give it to them.

I think these stories point to a disturbing trend: animals are definitely getting tired of being pushed around by us humans. I can’t remember the last time my cat actually listened to something I said. OK, my cat has NEVER listened, but that just proves my point. She did actually seem interested once when I was telling her to do something, but it turns out she was just preparing to pounce on my head, which apparently resembles a giant dead mouse.

This disturbing trend is further validated by the serious public service announcement programs, “When animals attack I”, “When animals attack II” and “When animals attack IV”. I missed “When Animals Attack III”, and so I can’t really comment on it. I think it was on opposite a Drew Carey episode I hadn’t already seen.

Anyway, as these programs have shown — I mean “When Animals Attack”, not “Drew Carey”, although “When Animals Attack Drew Carey” might be a pretty good show — animals will attack you just for looking at them funny. Or even for poking them with a sharp stick.

This is a very important issue, and I think that we, as citizens, should help spread the word. As soon as you’re done reading this, go to a very public place, such as a mall or the Republican National Convention, and start screaming, “The animals are plotting against us!”

Meanwhile, I’ll be sure to keep you posted on this scary topic, just as soon as I run out of other stuff to write about. In the meantime, I need to go feed my cat before she gets mad. I saw her whispering to a squirrel the other day, and I’m afraid she might be carrying a concealed marlin.

by Joe Shockley, Aug 2, 2000