It’s time our government finally accepted responsibility for an important issue that’s been ignored far too long. I am speaking, of course, about the need for weather-control machines.

I mean, come on. Here we are in the 21st century, and we can’t even have rain when we want it.

And I’ve been really wanting some rain lately. It all started when I was watching a rerun of the hit TV series ‘Friends’. It was the episode where everyone is sitting around in the coffee shop humorously talking about life, and then Phoebe says something really dumb. OK, that’s pretty much every episode, but this happened to be the very first episode. The one where Ross is heartbroken because his wife has left him for another woman, and where Rachel is really depressed because she has called off her wedding and moved to the city, and thinks maybe it was a mistake.

TV hasn’t been this good since Three’s Company was canceled.

Anyway, at one point during the show Ross and Rachel are staring out their windows, feeling sad and lonely. There is a really sad love song playing in the background, and we see it raining through the window. We even hear the sound of the rain on the glass.

I immediately thought, “hey, I get depressed sometimes. How come I don’t get to stare out a rainy window with a sad and lonely look on my face?” Just my luck, it seems like every time I get depressed and want to stare out a rainy window, BAM! it’s all sunny, with birds singing and children playing and crap. Life can be so cruel.

The obvious answer is for the government to build a weather-control machine, and to put me in charge of it.

There is plenty of room in my basement, next to the unused NordicTrack. That way, whenever I’m feeling a little blue I can just flip a switch, go over to the window and watch it rain. The weather machine would also come in handy when my neighbor is mowing his yard at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday.

Oh yeah, the giant weather-control machine should also have a built-in CD player so I can play sad love songs. Technically, what I’m usually depressed about has nothing to do with my love life, but I don’t know of any good “I’m really sad because my Visa is maxed and I want a new computer” ballads. Of course, I don’t really know of any love songs, either, but my wife has big stacks of Michael Bolten CDs. The great thing about Michael Bolten is, even if I’m not depressed when I start listening, I will be well before the first song is over. Mr. Bolten is very dependable that way.

On second thought, maybe a weather control machine in my basement isn’t such a good idea. Imagine my electric bill. I’m getting depressed just thinking about it. And it’s not even cloudy!

by Joe Shockley, July 28, 2000