You’ve probably been wondering, “What is the small eastern African nation of Tanzania doing to help keep alive the memory of Jerry Garcia, famous drug addict who also, I believe, had a band?”

Well, wonder no more! The Post Office of Tanzania has released the Limited Edition Jerry Garcia commemorative postage stamps. According to an actual newspaper advertisement I saw, these stamps are “legal for postage in Tanzania”, and more importantly, “about four times the size of a regular U.S. postage stamp”. For only $9.95 plus $3 postage and handling, you get a sheet of 9 of these stamps, a numbered certificate of authenticity and a copy of the pocket guide, “99 Little Known Facts about Jerry Garcia”.

Rumors that actually licking one of these stamps produces a hallucinogenic episode are totally unfounded. In fact, the only bad thing likely to happen to you if you try to use one of these stamps is that your letter will get returned to you, unless you happen to be in Tanzania when you mail it.

But that’s OK, because only a fool would try to mail one of these stamps, given that they will soon be worth their weight in paper, ink and glue. According to the advertisement, “collectors are already predicting that in the very near future these Jerry Garcia stamps will be far more sought after and be more desirable than the United States rock ‘n roll stamp series featuring Elvis and Buddy Holly, the most popular commemorative postage stamps of all time.” Forget about putting money into that IRA or 401K. Just snap up all the sheets of Jerry Garcia commemorative stamps you can!

Unfortunately, you’re only allowed to buy six sets, but that should be plenty to support you in your old age, provided you’re as dedicated to your health and longevity as Jerry Garcia was to his.

Actually, I’m a little worried about Tanzania. It happens to be one of the poorest countries in the world. Instead of selling these highly valuable stamps for such a nutty low price, why doesn’t Tanzania just hang onto them until they go up in value? If Tanzania played its cards write, it could wind up being richer than Canada and France combined. The encyclopedia would list under Tanzania’s major exports: “Limited Edition Jerry Garcia commemorative postage stamps, which are legal for postage in Tanzania and about four times the size of a regular U.S. postage stamp”.

Because I’m the kind of serious journalist who’ll do “whatever it takes” to get “approximately 500 words”, I decided to do a little research on Tanzania. What I found out was both disturbing and discombobulating. Tanzania also has commemorative stamps dedicated to Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and the famous rock festival Woodstock. As if that weren’t enough, it turns out that Tanzania is an important heroin shipping country. It’s all starting to make sense!

I’d love to blow the top right off this story, but I’m already at 500 words. Besides, I have this strange urge to go lick some stamps.

by Joe Shockley (originally posted August 1, 1999)