Today’s consumer topic: Shopping in the nude.

More and more people are trying to get me to shop in my bathrobe. Or in my underwear. Or even in the nude (for our southern readers: neckid). It’s pretty obvious that these people have never seen me in an undressed or semi-dressed condition, or they would be recommending that I shop in a parka and snow pants. Or possibly in another state.

So who exactly wants me to shop sans shirt and slacks? It’s all those online stores. According to their numerous advertising campaigns, the absolute best thing about shopping online is that you don’t have to be wearing clothes to buy stuff. Try that with those old-fashioned prudes down at the local K-Mart. Attention K-Mart shoppers: blue light special in aisle six, and disgusting naked fat guy in aisle seven!

Who was it that decided shopping naked was a perk? Sure this salad chopper is an overpriced piece of crap, but you can order it totally nude! I don’t think so.

I don’t know about you, but I do not surf the Internet without my clothes on. I feel self conscious even bathing without clothes on. Dressing is something I’m fairly conscientious about. I may have been born naked, but I’ve been almost constantly clothed since then.

Just who are all these people sitting naked at their computers? I’m guessing they are not interested in buying the latest “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book from Amazon.com. It seems more likely to me that they are hanging around at www.hotbabesandfarmanimals.com. Not that I’m judging anyone. If you want to be a sick degenerate naked weirdo, that’s your business. Just please don’t get a web cam.

You’re probably thinking I’m one of those conservative, repressed, uptight throwbacks to the eighties who is really uncomfortable with nudity and other naughty stuff.

Well, duh!

The guys at Omaha Steaks don’t necessarily want me to shop in the nude, but they do want me to buy steaks over the Internet, which seems almost as weird to me. They send me an email on a weekly basis advertising their various deceased cow products. Now, I love steaks. And I’m sure Omaha Steaks, in particular, are delicious. They certainly look delicious at the web site, www.omahasteaks.com. But there is just something about mail-order meat that doesn’t seem quite right to me, even if they do let you order it naked.

It seems like Omaha Steaks is committed to being the king of online deceased cow products. In addition to sending me a weekly email, they also take out full page ads in computer magazines. Seeing an ad for meat in PC World disturbs me a little, although I can’t really figure out why. It just seems so wrong.

To summarize this week’s column: Buy your meat locally, and with your clothes on.

Now, excuse me while I go put on some pants. I’m going shopping!

by Joe Shockley, November 20, 1999