I recently took my wife out for drinks. Hey, don’t look so surprised — I’m as spontaneous and romantic as the next guy (assuming the next guy is Fred Flintstone). So after work one Friday, I looked into my wife’s eyes, smiled boyishly, and said, “We’re out of toilet paper, dear.”

That’s how we ended up at our local grocery store, where they were giving away wine samples.

Now, free samples of cookies or cheese cubes you might expect from a grocery store. Maybe even the occasional cocktail wiener. And, of course, there are those giant bins of “sample grapes” every store has.

But samples of adult beverages were unexpected. Not that I’m complaining…“free” is one of my favorite flavors of alcohol. And a little booze prior to checking out might even help shoppers deal with the sticker shock. I took out a fourth mortgage this week just to pay for eggs and milk. I’m kidding, of course – like I could get a bank loan!

You’re probably worried that, being less sophisticated and worldly than yours truly, you won’t know how to behave properly when sampling wines. Don’t worry; coming across as a cultured wine connoisseur is easy – it’s all about “attitude”.

Wine Lady: This is a lovely mufon-blanc from the chateau valley.

Me, sipping: Ah yes, I recognize the uncompromising complexity of the adventurous flavor profile.

Wine Lady: And here we have a fruity table wine from the…

Me: Hold on there, smock girl. I find that a handful of Jalapeno
Cheetos makes for a wonderful palate cleanser.

Wine Lady: Sir, you will need to pay for those Cheetos. And isn’t this like your fifth time through the line?

Me: Could be. I have trouble counting when I’m drunk. By the way, where’s the toilet paper?

We didn’t end up buying any of the wines we tasted. They were too expensive, sometimes costing way more than five dollars. And that was for a regular sized bottle – not the big cardboard box so many of our preferred vintages are packaged in.

A few weeks earlier, the same store was giving away beer samples, which is much more my speed. I’m a big fan of micro-brewed beers. In fact, I even bought some of the beer I tasted. Of course, that’s “how they get you”, as my dad always says. I assume “they” in this case is some powerful hop farmer trade association I’ve never heard of – or possibly the trial lawyers.

I think my wife enjoyed our big night out. She never really said so, but when you’ve been married as long as we have, words aren’t always necessary. In fact, the silence in the car on the ride home definitely had that “you’re too good to me” vibe I’ve grown accustomed to over the years. So I think we would both definitely recommend that you enjoy all the free samples your grocery store has to offer, and not just the grapes.

But please don’t forget the toilet paper. That’s how they get you.