I’ve added yet another item to my list of things you should never let another person do to your body:

Number 97: Never let another person freeze part of your head with liquid nitrogen.

The thing about liquid nitrogen is that it’s cold. Really cold. In fact, according to the Discovery channel, if you decide to have your head frozen after you die, liquid nitrogen is how this will be accomplished (unless you let your brother-in-law Earl do it, in which case a standard deep freeze on the back porch will be used).

Unlike many people who have had their head frozen with liquid nitrogen, I am not dead. Besides, I am not an ideal candidate for having my head frozen. I have enough trouble thinking clearly at room temperature.

However, my wife talked me into going to the doctor because of a mole growing on the side of my head. OK, it was actually a wart, but “mole” sounds less disgusting. My doctor decided to freeze this ‘mole’. He did it by dipping a giant cotton swab into a cup of liquid nitrogen, and pressing it against the mole. This process was repeated until I finally cracked and gave up the names of all my friends who supported “health care reform”.

Which brings me back to the point of this week’s column: Having the side of your head frozen hurts! A lot! Think of the worst ice cream brain-freeze headache you’ve ever had, and multiply by ten. Then double that.

In other words, “ouch”.

“At least that big disgusting wart is gone now, you whining crybaby”, is what you’re probably saying right about now. Well first of all, I thought we agreed to call it a ‘mole’! And besides, that just shows how ignorant you are about the science of wart removal. My wart is actually bigger now. And bright red. In fact, it looks rather angry. My doctor told me it will be a big ugly sore for a day or so, and then it will fall off a few days after that. And if I’m not careful, it will get infected and I’ll get a brain clot and die. OK, he never specifically mentioned a brain clot. It just seems likely.

I’m not sure why a wart decided to grow out of the side of my head. My wife is convinced cheap cigars and scotch whiskey have something to do with it. I doubt if she’s right, but just to be on the safe side, I’m only going to buy the more expensive cigars and scotch whiskey from now on. There’s just no reason to take reckless chances with your health.

Especially when you belong to an HMO, like I do. HMOs have been getting a lot of bad press lately, but the doctors down at “Acme Discount Health Care” only charged me $10 to freeze the side of my head. Plus, they were running a special: “Have your head frozen and get a free flu shot”. I admit it – I’m a sucker for a bargain. Especially right after my head has been frozen.

At least the flu shot seems to be working. I got it just hours ago, and I’m already coughing and sneezing.

by Joe Shockley, November 6, 1999