I’ve decided to get rich on the Internet.

It took me some time to make this decision. For awhile I was just kind of thinking about becoming “well off” or maybe “financially independent”, but I finally decided that “rich” was the way to go.

I don’t have all the details worked out yet, but I’m sure things will come together for me. For starters, I’ve already got a great “dot com”. A “dot com” is what us wealthy Internet entrepreneurs call our catchy web addresses. Mine, of course, is “ModernGuy.com”, which has success written all over it. Okay, what it actually has written all over it is “already paid for, and no way is my wife going to let me buy another one”.

The next step is to get people to give me lots of money. I’m no expert, but this seems to be the tricky part. One option is to put that insane “punch the monkey” banner on my web site. However, I have a strong suspicion that “punch the monkey” is a practical joke, and not a real banner campaign at all. Or maybe it’s some kind of sick behavioral sciences experiment to see just how stupid the average web surfer is.

Or maybe I’m wrong, and millions of people all across the world giggle with glee each time they come across that funny little monkey sliding back and forth across the top of their web browser, devouring all available bandwidth. Maybe people feverishly click away in a challenging attempt to land a punch on the elusive monkey. Maybe the experience is so enjoyable that people gladly buy whatever is on the other side of that banner. Maybe people should remember to take their medication.

So the monkey is out. In general, a banner on a web site only pays about ten cents each time someone clicks on it, anyway. My site currently gets only a few hundred hits a week. To make matters worse, my typical reader is far too smart to click on banner ads. My typical reader is also very good looking, and has a superior sense of style, although that’s not really relevant here. It’s just something that needed to be said.

If banner ads aren’t going to make me rich, then that leaves one good option: Ebay! In case you don’t know, Ebay is an online auction site where you can either buy valuable merchandise for a fair price, or sell overpriced junk. In the past, people have made tons of money selling Beanie Babies and Furbies on Ebay. Individuals have paid thousands of dollars for rare Beanie Babies, leading me to believe that they are actually filled with cocaine rather than beans.

All I have to do is figure out what the next big thing is going to be, stock up, and wait for the money to roll in. It’s foolproof. Um…if anyone out there knows what the next big thing is going to be, please email me immediately, because I don’t have a clue.

Hey, no plan is perfect.

by Joe Shockley October 29, 1999