OK readers, it’s time to announce the winner of last week’s “Official Modern Guy Millennium Countdown Contest”. This was a tough decision, considering the astounding amount of entries I received (three, or approximately three more than I expected).

To recap, first prize in the contest is official prize check number 458091154 issued by Harlequin Enterprises Limited (the romance novel people) in the amount of fifty cents. The check is payable to “Bearer” or Mr. Joseph W. Shockley, and will probably be difficult to actually cash (but hey, not my problem).

And second prize is an authentic Harlequin Romance novel (used) autographed by me. You will be able to verify the book’s authenticity by noting the huge amount of “throbbing” and “groaning” going on in the story.

Before we get to the winners, I feel compelled to give an honorable mention to Peter West, who wrote the following emotional entry:

“Dear Sir, may I pleeze enter yor competishion. I arsk four the prize not four meself but for me mate hoos name is Cameron Kooo. He lives his hole lyfe like it is a rowe mance novel. The fifty sense wood by him food and the book mite give him eyedears for his lyfe. i yam sorry bout the speeeling but we dont got no skools down unda. yours facefully..Peeta Westt”

Mr. West’s entry on behalf of Cameron Koo is truly a wonderful tribute to friendship. Unfortunately, both of these gentlemen live and reside in Australia, and I am far too cheap to pay international postage. I can only hope that these two star-crossed souls find happiness without my help. Maybe I can help in some small way by plugging their web sites. Cameron Koo’s web site can be found at http://cameronkoo.com and Peter West’s web site address is http://www.peterwest.net/. They are both funny guys.

Now, on to the prizes!

The second place prize goes to one Sheila Moss. Sheila wrote me a touching note practically begging for me to send her the romance novel. I swear I almost cried. Here is a short excerpt from her email:

“I’d like to enter your contest, but I can’t think of one damn reason in the world why anyone in their right mind would want a Harlequin Romance novel.”

How could I possibly say no to a beautiful sentiment like that. Enough already, Sheila! The book is yours! And yes, Sheila has a web site! Go to http://home.earthlink.net/~tnfirefly/index.html to see her very funny writings.

And now, the Grand Prize!

I have decided to award the official prize check number 458091154 issued by Harlequin Enterprises Limited in the amount of fifty cents to Theresa Cook. Her moving note speaks for itself:

I am fat and my mother dresses me funny. (OK so maybe I dress myself – but still, I look funny)

When I was young, I crossed my eyes, my sister hit me in the back, and yes they really do get stuck that way.

The past 2 years have been tough, winning this contest would really boost my self esteem. I can see it already, today Modern Guy Contest Winner, tomorrow Publishers Clearing House.

And the final reason I feel I should win: I truly believe that RICKY MARTIN ROCKS!”

Obviously, this young lady needs to win this contest. Desperately. Plus, she is a coworker, so I won’t have to fork over any postage to get the check to her (see – everyone wins).

Congrats, Theresa! If anyone deserves this, it is you! To celebrate, you can buy me a soda.

Tune in next week, when I will be giving away absolutely nothing. I promise!

by Joe Shockley, October 22, 1999