modernguy

Man arrested for shooting his own lawnmower:

A Milwaukee man who shot his malfunctioning lawn mower in a fit of possibly drunken rage faces a felony weapons charge, authorities say.

Police arrested Keith Walendowski, 57, Friday after officers said they found an illegal short-barreled shotgun and a handgun along with ammunition for both in his basement, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.

“It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want,” Walendowski allegedly told police.

Amen, brother. Don’t let the mower-rights wackos win!

The World’s Largest Buffet:

Forty soups, 100 salads and 150 desserts perched upon a 500-foot (152-meter) maze of tables.

It was enough — 510 different dishes in all — to qualify on Tuesday for a Guinness record for the World’s Largest Buffet.

“I’m interested in trying some of the desserts now,” said tired and hungry Guinness official Nadine Causey, who flew in from London to certify that Las Vegas Hilton Executive Chef George Bargisen had assembled at least 500 unique offerings to create the new record buffet.

Sadly, it was just a one-time event.

How about “When Super Models Attack“?

Supermodel diva Naomi Campbell went ballistic on her assistant Thursday, flinging a cell phone at her assistant’s head, sending her to the hospital, police said.

The 41-year-old assistant wound up with four stitches and the 35-year-old Campbell, among the highest paid models in the world, wound up at the Midtown North Precinct, fingerprinted and charged for second-degree assault, the latest in a line of allegations by her employees.

Come on, the assistant probably had it coming.  Maybe she offered Naomi a tic-tac or something.  Besides, Super Models have a lot of wisdom to offer.

A convenience store clerk pleaded no contest Thursday to felony charges of tampering after he urinated in a bottle of soda that was later drunk by a customer who became violently sick.

Link

A disease I probably don’t need to worry too much about: “workaholism”. From Reuters:

Sam used to sneak into his office before dawn so no one would know how many extra hours he worked. Charles goes on all-night work binges to meet deadlines, and Susan can’t say no to volunteer projects, social clubs, bridge games, choral singing, lectures and classes.

Flying Cow Leaves Two Police Cars in Flames 

This is a little confusing, so pay attention. Curtis Gokey sued the city of Lodi, California, because a city worker backed a trash truck into his parked car. The city worker in questions was…Curtis Gokey. That’s right, Mr. Gokey was suing himself. Sort of. Maybe you should just go read it.

According to the New York Times, the newly discovered hairy lobster would “probably taste like rotten eggs.” Well, “probably” isn’t good enough, New York Times. The world wants to know for sure what the hairy lobster tastes like. And no melted butter, either.

I’m moving to Norway!

OSLO, Norway –It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.

Now, if only they could figure out how to get pretzels from the ice dispenser.

Obviously, I haven’t been writing column length humor in a long while. I’ve been busy with my ant farm (or some other excuse that’s more believable). So I’m going to try something new here. I’m just going to make a bunch of frequent posts. They’ll usually be short, and sometimes I’ll even link to other sites. I’m going to call it a “blog”. Or possibly a “murray”. Who knows, if this site becomes popular maybe other people can start a “murray” of their own.

I’ve gotten this site organized into some semblance of usability. Hey, I’m as shocked as you are. Over on the right, you’ll see links for “Blog Home”, “Columns Home”, and “Cartoons”. The “Blog Home” link will take you to the blog home page, which is updated daily. The “Column Home” link will take you to where the essay-length columns are posted. This area will be updated infrequently (more like almost never - ed.). And the “Cartoons” link will take you to some original cartoons I’ve drawn. Not sure when this are will be updated (um, I’m guessing never - ed.) Finally, the “Hot Babes in Bikinis” link will take you to the…hah — made you look.

Joe Shockley has been writing humor on the web since 1999, in a variety of paid and unpaid capacities (mostly unpaid, of course). He takes a sideways look at living in the modern world.